


I am the lover lost

by agentlithium



Series: hurt prone [3]
Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Angst, Growth, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, confusing feelings, no happy endings we die like men, oswald cutting toxic people out of his life, sad but ultimately necessary ending, you know what that is?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-26
Updated: 2018-11-26
Packaged: 2019-08-29 13:27:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16744867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agentlithium/pseuds/agentlithium
Summary: ed wants to get better





	I am the lover lost

**Author's Note:**

> final chapter in my impromptu series about ed getting rightfully scalped. I wanted to make this hopeful and optimistic but oswald deserves better than ed and we all know it.
> 
> title is from ribbons by the good the bad and the queen because I've been crying to this shit since it dropped!!!!!

Edward recalled the night he was released from Arkham. When the alarm sounded, signifying lockdown, Ed was already in his tiny cell, lanky form curled up on his tiny bed. The jarring buzz rang off of the walls that caged him, doing nothing to help the headache he’d been nursing since his incarceration. He heard the approach of the other inmates being lead to their respective rooms. Guards hurled abuse at any patient who acted up. A few screams permeated the shuffle of feet and the clanging of chains. This was all routine. It seemed that every night someone was either being sent to the infirmary or solitary confinement. Ed was remarkably well-behaved since the incident in the basement, likely because he had been beaten down by fear and medicated into submission. He was flying under the radar these days.

He didn’t anticipate his cell door being thrown open. Two armed guards stared him down.

“Get up, Nygma. You’re coming with us.”

He looked back and forth between them. He didn’t have it in him to resist, but at the very least he had to ask as he was pulled to his feet. 

“Where are you taking me?”

One of the guards tilted her head.

“You’re gonna find out real soon.”

The initial confusion, the swell of joy, the rush of emotion at seeing Oswald, his saviour, pull up in a limousine. The next day was a whirlwind of planning, new places, new people, new responsibilities. Oswald was in his prime and Ed walked proudly at his side. But that first night at the Van Dahl manor was quiet. For the first time in months, there was no noise. He had a conversation with his friend over drinks and when he retired for the evening, he slept more soundly than he ever had. If he were asked about his happiest memory, that was it. Although, he would never say.

Alas, it was all so terribly short-lived. Isabella entered his life and in a flash, she was gone. She took Ed’s heart in her broken hands and stole it away to a lonely grave. The grief of her loss was undermined by Oswald’s betrayal. Shooting him didn’t give Ed any sense of satisfaction. It felt like nothing. Oswald had left him long ago. Edward was doing him a courtesy by putting him down. But he just couldn’t stay dead. He couldn’t give Ed this one little victory. Even in his absence, Ed’s world revolved around him. Oswald was startlingly correct when he said Ed was motivated by the compulsive need to finish everything he started. That was what kept bringing him back to Oswald after everything they did to each other. That was what lead him to the Narrows only a few weeks prior to that very moment. 

He knew he had no intention of apologizing to Lee. He didn’t bring a weapon in an effort to convince himself that he only meant well, but he came to regret that decision. She left him battered and bruised by the end of it. His nose was shattered, his ribs cracked, and his pride beyond repair. He hadn’t forgotten a single word she said. He  _ nauseated _ her. She thought he was a delusional, pitiful, deplorable  _ rat _ . She never loved him, she never would. And when Ed looked up at her, her boot pressed to his neck, he knew she was serious.

Ed wandered through the vacant streets of Gotham. Blood and tears ran rivers through the dust on his face. He stumbled through side streets and alleyways. Every sound sent his pulse racing because anyone fearless enough to make their presence known in that city was either heavily armed or had nothing to lose. Either way, they posed an immediate, extreme danger. Ed managed to find City Hall through the wreckage. He nearly got himself killed by the guards posted outside, but he was clearly too injured to be any sort of threat. One of them delivered the news of his arrival to Oswald and that was how he ended up where he was: clean, well-fed, and recovering quite smoothly. They had to conserve everything, limit their consumption of even basic necessities, but it was better than being out on your own. Ed would’ve likely starved to death if he stayed in the library by himself any longer. Luxuries were incredibly scarce, but Oswald had the best there was. If he had to pay the price of spending every waking moment with Oswald in order to have access to food and water, then he would put up with it for the sake of his own survival.

It was almost like the old days again. Oswald was puttering around City Hall, trying to work with so very little. Ed was living with him, wearing the clothes he provided, eating his meals, leeching his resources. Of course, things were very different now. They only shared scathing remarks, never kind words. When Oswald dressed his wounds and gave his hair a very necessary trim, he’d drive his thumb into Ed’s bruises or drag the scissors across his ear every time Ed spit some smart-assed quip at him. Ed spent most of his time resting in a room that had been made up for him when Oswald brought him back the last time. Thinking of every occasion when Oswald saved his life made his stomach turn. Ed abused him, stepped on him, tore him down whenever he was given the opportunity and still, he was here. Lee said that she tried to fix him, make him good again, but he was always a monster. The man she considered a friend was all a lie. She was right to give up on him, but Oswald never gave up. Every insult Ed threw at him, he just took it on the chin and moved on. Ed was sure he was hurting. How could he not be? But he still cared for Ed with no objections. Sometimes, he would claim that he was going to throw Ed out or kill him in his sleep, but these threats packed absolutely no bite. It was just how they talked now. They bickered when they had the energy and stayed silent when the long day drained the life out of them both. Ed had to admit: it was exhausting, festering in hatred.

The worst of it was that it was all spent painfully sober. Neither he nor Oswald could drink themselves into a stupor or take pills that would put them to sleep in seconds. They didn’t have access to any sort of inebriants, so they were forced to face it all with a clear, level head. Ed was particularly disadvantaged. With Lee’s bitter confessions in the back of his mind and not another thing to occupy his thoughts, he dwelled on them. He tended to brush off criticism due to disturbing levels of hubris, but this time, it was literally beaten into him. He couldn’t help but consider that perhaps Lee was right. Maybe Ed was so insanely delusional, he physically couldn’t comprehend the fact that he was to blame for everyone in his life leaving him. Kristen didn’t force Ed’s hand, Ed murdered her in cold blood. Jim Gordon didn’t turn on him. Jim was the only one who was nice to him during his time at the GCPD. And in retrospect, Isabella’s devotion to him was completely unhealthy, but Ed loved her for it. She was pretty and basically only existed to stroke Ed’s ego. She had no annoying friends, no bad habits, no outside interests. She was the perfect woman for him: subservient and moldable and entirely his.

Oswald was the one who killed her, not Ed, but it was he who went too far in his revenge. Oswald suffered and suffered for his sins and he felt for Ed, he really did. He was ready to forgive him right up until he put a bullet in his stomach. It should have been an eye for an eye, except it never was. Oswald took an eye and Ed took both eyes, his mind, his life, everything he could and he regretted it. 

The only thing he could do about it now was work to change himself for the future.

Being a self-centered megalomaniac, Ed never thought about how his actions affected others. He did things out of spite, to fulfill his own wants. Lee told him this, but he didn’t listen. If he could have kept his unnecessary rage and violent desires at bay, maybe he would have accepted the wisdom she imparted on him. Lee was so intelligent and when she wanted to help, when she extended a hand to Ed, he slapped it away. He threw her aside in favour of what? Wallowing in his own misery? That was his last chance at making himself a better man, and he sabotaged himself at every turn.

Or was it his last chance? He may not have Lee anymore, but there was one person, one final lifeline.

“Oswald?”

Ed entered Oswald’s office. It was the same office he occupied when he was mayor. Now, Oswald worked on various plans and blueprints by dim candlelight. It still hurt to move— Lee ensured Ed would be feeling her fury for months to come— so Ed took a seat by the desk. Oswald didn’t lift his head.

“What do you want?”

Ed opened his mouth, then closed it. He didn’t know how he should phrase this new development.  _ Well, it’s taken me 30 years to do it, but I think I’m finally on the verge of realizing that I’m not the second coming of Christ and instead, a very flawed human being. Please tell me what exactly is wrong with me so I can start behaving like a functioning person. _

“I’ve been thinking—”

“What a momentous occasion! Had no idea you could think.”

“Funny. You should become a comedian. Your whole existence is a joke anyway.”

“You had to rub your two brain cells together really hard to come up with that one, didn’t you?”

“Two more than you have— no, I didn’t come here to argue.”

“That’s a surprise.”

“I need your help.”

Oswald tried to interject with another snarky jab, but Ed didn’t give him the chance.

“I’ve made a lot of mistakes. I know, I know, I should’ve realized this earlier. I just… I’ve had a lot of time to reflect lately. For once, I’m not consumed with the need for vengeance or muddled by medications or hallucinations. It’s too quiet,” Ed tapped his temple,” up here, and all I can do is think. After I was  _ defrosted _ , for lack of a better term, I went to Lee because I wanted to be smart again, but she wanted to make me better. Good, she wanted to make me good. And I don’t want to be some well-rounded, upstanding member of society. I threw away so much for the illusion of normalcy. I threw you away for that illusion, Oswald. I don’t want to be good, but I need to be better.”

“You’re rambling, Edward,” Oswald was looking at him now. His expression was guarded, but curious. He wanted to know where Ed was going with this.

“S-Sorry. What I’m asking of you is for you to help me recognize my shortcomings so I can improve. I mean, I don’t want to hurt people who care about me anymore. You’re not exactly the paragon of kindness and friendship, but you’re kind of my last resort.”

Oswald was visibly taken aback.

“Lee really messed you up.”

“I guess she had to break a few bones to get her message through to me. I just need you to give me your honest thoughts.”

“Let me get this straight: Lee kicked your ass and that made you see that you were not the perfect, all-knowing, godlike man you thought you were and now you want me to humble you further for what purpose?”

“I will have nobody if I don’t reform my ways. I… can’t live like that. I say I don’t need anyone, but that’s not true. You know it’s not because you’re like that too. You understand me.”

“I will never understand you,” Oswald sighed and got up to circle around his desk. He leaned back against it and stared down at Ed. “But alright, what do you want me to say?”

“No, it’s not what I want to hear. Tell me exactly what you think of me. I won’t be angry. It’s probably long overdue.”

Oswald paused. He was worried that Ed was feverish or something, but he elected to humour him. It would at least be cathartic to air all of his grievances to the primary source of his misery.

“Hm, well, let me think… you’re a narcissist.”

“Pot, kettle.”

“You’re way worse than me. Anyway, don’t interrupt. You told me to be honest.”

“Right, sorry.”

“Oh! That reminds me: I don’t think you’ve ever been genuinely sorry for anything in your life. Even if you’re wrong, you still think you’re in the right.”

“I have! You weren’t sorry for killing Isabella.”

“I was sorry for hurting you. She meant nothing to me and I don’t think she meant anything to you either. You’re a violent misogynist who gets off on hurting women.”

“You’ve killed women.”

“I kill anyone who gets in my way, unrelated to gender. You  _ target _ women. Lee told me what a bastard you were. If I were her, I’d stab you and beat you up too.”

“I didn’t—”

“Uh, yeah, you did. You killed her friend. You put her fiance in prison. You disrespected her. You tried to kill James Gordon so you could have her all to yourself— sound familiar, by the way? And you were the one who wanted to literally stab her in the back. You’re only upset that she won and made a fool out of you. You can dish out a lot but you just can’t take it.”

Ed was about to counter him, but he choked back his response. He had to listen, even if he didn’t want to face the truth.

“You want me to be really honest, Ed? I saw you through rose-coloured glasses for so long. I let you mistreat me and take advantage of my vulnerabilities because I thought you could do no wrong. When I got out of Arkham, I came to you. I was scared and alone and you left me out in the cold because I was of no use to you anymore. I was never your friend, I was an asset. You used me for power and influence. Yes, I killed Isabella and yes, I regret it, but the heartbreak you put me through was so much worse than whatever shallow obsession you harboured for her. You think I don’t know what love is? I would’ve died for you, Edward. I killed for you. I gave you every chance I could. I wanted more than anything to forgive you, but you had to pull that trigger. You were too proud to let me live, weren’t you?”

Oswald’s voice raised as he continued, his jaw clenched tight.

“You are a slimy, selfish, sexist, rotten, manipulative, heartless, hypocritical, idiotic, self-obsessed, pig-headed, ugly, low-down, good-for-fucking-nothing snake who will step on anyone for your own gain and I take no pity on you. You did this to yourself.”

Though his healing bones still ached, Oswald’s words hurt much more than any physical blow Lee delivered. Ed didn’t expect him to cut so deep so quickly. He refused to even show how it affected him because this was a long time coming and it was all deserved. Crying about it now would be, quote Oswald, hypocritical and manipulative. Actively being aware of oneself was hard work. This was probably why Ed avoided it for so long. Still, he had one question to pose.

“Why am I here? If you think I’m so repulsive, why am I here? Why did you save me again after I ruined you?” Oswald scoffed at him. Behind his sneer, his eyes shimmered with a tired sort of sadness.

“Don’t be so vain. You didn’t ruin me. If Fish Mooney or Theo Galavan or Sofia Falcone couldn’t take me down, you sure as hell couldn’t. You made me recognize my own shortcomings. If anything, you made me stronger. I’d be inclined to thank you if you didn’t constantly make me regret not killing you when I had the chance.”

“You couldn’t kill me.”

“I thought this was supposed to be about you. I already know exactly what you think about me.”

“I don’t think you do.”

“Well, you made it painfully clear,” he smiled, hollow and empty.

“I acknowledge that I have been cruel to you. I genuinely and wholeheartedly apologize for everything I have done. You gave me so much and I was so ungrateful. No one has ever been as kind to me as you have. None of this changes the past, of course, but I want to change now. I demanded everyone change for me, so it’s high time I do for someone else. You were— you  _ are _ my best friend.”

Oswald cursed his own soft heart. He could feel his defences being worn down and whittled away. He couldn’t let Ed get to him. He was a liar, a deceitful traitor. Oswald was waiting for his face to crack into a cold grimace as he revealed his ultimate plan to overthrow Oswald and pry his control over Gotham from his fingertips.

“I can’t possibly know if you’re telling the truth. You’ve done this before. I would be the most foolish man in Gotham if I let you hurt me again.”

“I know. I can’t ask you to trust me again,” Ed pushed himself out of his chair, wincing and placing a hand over his ribs. Oswald flinched forward in concern but stopped himself. He wouldn’t fall for this act again.

“Then what do you want from me?” his voice carried much less force than he intended.

“I told you, it’s not about what I want. I have to face the consequences of my actions. I can only hope to prove to you that I really wish to better myself,” Ed hesitated like he was reconsidering his next move.

“You were the only person who could see who I truly was, who I could be. I couldn’t accept that in the end, it would always just be you and I. I want to be the man you thought I was. I want to be the man you lov—”

“Why?” Oswald commanded. “Why are you doing this to me? Haven’t you put me through enough?”

“Why would you take me back? You believe I can change. You never lost hope for me.”

Oswald’s anger burned away, leaving a desperate sorrow in its wake. He bit his lip to stop it from quivering.

“I was blind, Oswald,” Ed stepped closer to him. “I was so blind that it took a merciless beating to finally open my eyes,” he barked out an incredulous laugh at his own brazen idiocy.

“Ed—”

“I was wrong. I thought I was so smart, but as it turns out, I haven’t been right about anything. I was terrible to Kristen, to all of my friends, and to you. I was so stupid and self-absorbed, but that’s not an excuse. There is no excuse.”

“Please, Ed—”

“I just don’t want to be the man I am anymore. I want to show you and everyone else that I’m not so insecure that I have to abuse others to make me feel like I’m worth something.” Ed reached out with his free hand. Feeling cracked knuckles on his cheek, Oswald tensed.

“Love isn’t a weakness, Oswald. I’m weak.” 

Oswald was frozen in place by fear. It was a mistake to allow Ed back into his life. He played this game before and he couldn’t lose this time. The blade sheathed in the handle of his cane tempted him, but he made no move toward it. Ed stared at him expectantly, pleadingly. He didn’t care what Oswald said, he just wanted him to say something.  _ Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t fucking cry. _

“I can never forgive you,” Oswald croaked.

“I don’t want you to forgive me.”

“I meant everything I said. You’re rotten, heartless, and selfish. So fucking selfish. I can’t help you because you can’t be helped.”

“I know.”

“No, if you knew, you wouldn’t be here. Why can’t you just leave me alone?”

Ed didn’t have to answer him because Oswald already knew the answer. Instead of reiterating what had been said a million times before, Ed leaned in and kissed him. A chaste brush of lips that almost seemed tender. Oswald was still, allowing Ed to use him like he always had. His gut twisted and sank. He felt himself falling down, down, down through the floor. The touch he craved for so long was like fire licking his skin. It burned until there was nothing left to burn, then it was numb. For a second or two, Oswald lost himself to fantasy. He pictured himself in a lover’s arms somewhere, anywhere other than this wretched city. He let his eyes close briefly— an act of pliant surrender. He didn’t let his treacherous mind lead him too far astray. Just as he came to the brink, the point of no return, he tore himself back.

Ed heard the slide of sharp metal. He pulled away to see Oswald’s wet green eyes boring into his. Oswald was pulling the blade from his cane with a shaking grasp.

“Oswald—”

“Get out.”

And, for once in his life, Ed listened.

**Author's Note:**

> hope yall enjoyed this slice of pain. edward nygma can choke. all feedback is appreciated!!


End file.
